We’ve all been there—frustrated with ourselves over a seemingly silly mistake. But more often than not, this frustration isn’t justified. Mistakes happen to everyone. The key is to keep things in perspective, learn from the experience, and move forward without berating yourself.
Here’s a step-by-step guide to adjusting how you talk to yourself when you slip up.
1. Listen to How You Talk to Yourself
Have you ever made an avoidable mistake and thought, “I’m such an idiot!”? I have.
One morning, I made coffee while half-asleep. I grabbed the coffee pot and basket from the dishwasher, scooped the grounds into the filter basket, filled the machine with water, and hit “start.” Confident that everything was set, I left the room to wait for the beep, letting me know it was done.
What I didn’t notice was that I had forgotten the filter to put into the basket. When I returned, coffee was everywhere—on the counter, the floor, under appliances. It was a disaster. As I cleaned up the mess, I kept saying to myself, “You’re so stupid!” and “Why do you always mess things up?”
The words were harsh and relentless, and in hindsight, completely unnecessary.
2. Compare How You Talk to Yourself with How You Talk to Others
It wasn’t until my wife came into the kitchen that I gained some perspective. She looked at the mess and calmly said, “It’s not such a big deal. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Her words hit me like a wake-up call. If our roles were reversed, I would have said the exact same thing to her. So why couldn’t I extend the same grace to myself?
We tend to be our own worst critics, holding ourselves to impossible standards we’d never impose on others. This double standard is unfair. Listen to the way you talk to yourself. If you wouldn’t say those things to a friend—or even a stranger—then it’s time to cut yourself some slack.
3. Ask Yourself: Are You Being Fair?
Once you’ve calmed down, revisit the situation with a rational mindset. Ask yourself:
Am I being fair?
Does this one mistake define who I am?
Would I judge someone else this harshly for the same thing?
Chances are, the answers will reveal that your self-criticism is unwarranted. More often than not, we’re far harder on ourselves than the situation calls for.
4. Rephrase and Reframe Your Thoughts
Recognizing your negativity is the first step; now it’s time to reframe your thoughts. Instead of berating yourself, try talking to yourself the way a supportive friend would.
Let’s revisit the “great coffee fiasco.” Instead of saying, “I’m such an idiot,” I could have said:
“This isn’t a big deal—it’s just a small clean-up.”
“This doesn’t happen often, so there’s no need to make a fuss.”
“Nobody’s perfect. I’ve learned my lesson and won’t do it again.”
Rephrasing your thoughts doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes—it means addressing them constructively without tearing yourself down.
5. Practice Kindness Toward Yourself
Changing the way you talk to yourself takes practice. In moments of frustration, our instinctive “lizard brain” often takes over, reacting irrationally. But with consistent effort, you can retrain your mind to be kinder and more supportive.
Here’s how:
Notice when negative self-talk creeps in.
Compare your inner dialogue to how you’d talk to others.
Ask yourself if you’re being fair and rational.
Rephrase those critical thoughts into constructive, balanced ones.
Habits take time to form, so don’t expect instant results. But as you develop this practice, you’ll notice a profound shift—not only in how you treat yourself but also in how you interact with others. A kinder inner dialogue leads to a more positive outlook overall.
Mistakes are a part of being human. The next time you goof up, remember: it’s not the end of the world. Treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you deserve.